I fell in love with these shoes at first sight....
I wanted them. They had that artsy yet classic look I'm going for now. So the salesman needn't have said a word. But I let him go on anyway because I enjoyed his enthusiasm. He was so excited by these shoes!!! all designed by designer, Dan Sullivan! Only a hundred and fifty pairs exist of each shoe design! And only two boutiques in the world sell them! One here in New York! The other in London!!!
The toe part pinched somewhat, but a bit of breaking in, I told myself, should take care of it. Otherwise they seemed comfortable enough. And they were on sale. So I bought them. And didn't give them a proper trial run until this Saturday while running errands (all dressed up just for errands, I felt so Sex in the City!) but halfway to my car I began to wonder if I'd been fooled by desire. For one thing walking quickly was impossible. When I tried, I found myself holding my breath. Then one of the toes on my right foot began to feel numb.
How did I miss this? I wondered. Why did it feel so right then and yet is so obviously wrong now?
Because, you see, I've decided to chuck the mental junk no longer serving me. More gut impulses, less overthinking, less regret, more looking forward, less anxious effort, more going with the flow. So getting something as simple as the right pair of shoes wrong might, if I overthought it, send me into a spiral of self doubt. I could think, okay, this is why I grew into an overthinker in the first place. To save myself money and from disappointment. But I'm not going there. Some shoe inserts, a trip to the shoe repairer, and I'll be saying to myself, I knew it all along. These adorable, raspberry colored babies and I belong together.
One thing my gut has been telling me for awhile now is that I need a break from all the negative people in my life. That this is vital for me in order to move forward. But is also difficult when said people are close friends and family and have been, for the most part, the ones I socialize with the most. Even more difficult when I've already gone through a few breaks and relationship changes already. But I don't mean a complete break. Just a break for now, however long now turns out to be. And I don't mean negative as in they're awful people. I just mean, they're in a negative place at the moment and look, as a consequence, at the world this way while I need to look that way instead. They're in a different place than I am emotionally. And maybe this is a good thing, exactly what we need, a necessary phase for all of us to go through...each on our own...for a while then we can all come back together later on and talk about what we did while each of us were on our own and...maybe my urge to break away, my desire to run off to Paris or wherever is, in some part, a response to them.
So I went it sans usual company this weekend, and really liked it, because (thanks to meetup.com) I didn't feel alone. I had fun trying new things and going to new places. I went to the movies (Leap Year, predictable but fun), out for drinks and played dodgeball (whole lotta fun! can't wait to go again) with dozens of potential new friends. I even stayed home Saturday night to watch An American In Paris in my pajamas because it felt like the right thing to do.
But part of me can hear the worrywart voice warning me not to stray too far from familiar faces. Call them! Send them a text. So what if you end up feeling judged or blamed again? So what if they shoot eyeball daggers at you over the dinner table because you won't be dragged into that tired old argument? Who knows where this will lead? Everyone and everything I'm comfortable with right now could become another finished chapter in my past. And so I feel some sadness, some trepidation, but also a lot of enthusiasm and hope. I am ready for new things. I feel it down to the marrow of my being.
I'll let you know what happens.