Over a week already! Where have I been? Well, bad day in traffic court last Tuesday. The unbelievably unfair verdict I got kept me from getting a good night’s sleep for a number of nights. Honestly, community service plus traffic school plus a fine for failing to make a full stop on a right turn on adeserted street at 11:30 at night?! Even though I’m pretty sure I did since it’s a matter of habit. So, I suspect my city is trying to squeeze money (and free labor) out of its citizens wherever possible. The rest of the week I spent writing and sending out queries. Responses I’ve received so far are far more promising compared to the last round I sent out. So, crossing fingers and toes...
I also went out Friday and Saturday with new dodgeball and hiking friends (Pub crawl, middle of the night dinner at Mel’s Drive In, beach hike in Half Moon Bay). And it struck me, more than once, that I was in the process of making new circles of friends. Something I feel is necessary. And a lot of fun. But I did get a little, er...teary eyed about it. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Or maybe because I’d been feeling rather lonely. New friends, casual friends, old and very dear friends, sister friends, I have them all. But a girl needs a best girl friend. And, in the last three years I’ve lost two of them.
For a while I couldn’t help wondering if it was me. Maybe it was all my fault. I could have handled things differently, said something else, gave it one more try—what was it that doomed these relationships?
If I had to name one thing I’d say it was passive aggression. Or a fear of confrontation. I’m not the most talkative person in the world. I’m thoughtful and sometimes shy. But I’m also very up front. If I have an issue with someone I mention it, clear it up, then forget about it. Because otherwise it sits on my brain impeding my creative processes. But with these women, time and again I’d try to clear things up, things I felt deep in my gut were corroding the seams of our friendships, and I’d get an oh, no there’s nothing wrong, in response. Only to feel like I’ve been struck with a hammer by something they said or did not ten minutes later.
The thing with passive aggression is that it is extremely difficult to respond to. The passive aggressor gets to hit you with a hammer and not get blamed for it. I see my bf give me the evil eye over dinner because I won’t agree with her that yes, one should indeed be miserable if one is not as rich as Bill Gates. And when I mention this she says, No, I didn’t. Or I sense that my bf has a real issue with me concerning something and I ask her, Do you have an issue with me concering such and such? And she says, No, I don’t. Then, later on, I get an enraged email from her basically saying, Yes this was an issue for me and even though I wouldn’t admit that to you you should have known anyway.
Sigh...What can you do? But find new friends.
Though, it must be said that, through sheer determination, I have managed to stay friends with one of these women. But, it’s just not the same. I don’t feel safe confiding certain things to her anymore. Even though maybe, in time, I hope will again one day. Though am not holding my breath.
So, thank God for new friends, casual friends, old dear friends, sister friends, all my friends. Even ex friends. And future best girl friends.