Tuesday, May 25, 2010

How I got over

Just got over the most horrendous case of soy milk poisoning. Not the throw up, better in the morning kind of poisoning, but the slow, insidious, lethargic, foggy headed kind where you realize, oh f--k, I must be allergic to soy! Which would make sense considering how I'm allergic to peanuts, wheat, barley, oats, grasses, pollen, dust, et cetera and so on. Not that I've allowed this to keep me from enjoying all the foods which should be on my do not eat list: pizza, pasta, Reece's Peanut Butter Cups, all kinds of beer, toast, all those wonderful, comforting foods which play havoc inside my body making me somewhat tired and nasal drippy but which can also be effectively counteracted with sugar and (until last year) caffeine.

But no more voluntary food poisoning for me. Not after experiencing the kind of fatigue (making it extremely difficult to write or paint) which, no matter how much I slept, only got worse with each cup of soy milk I innocently ingested. Not after doubling over in excruciating, utterly blinding pain (when before I would feel just a twinge of discomfort here and there) making me want to schedule my surgery for that very day to have these benign little suckers ripped out of me once and for all. I can't help wondering now if I would have even had a fibroid issue in the first place if I hadn't been slowly poisoning my body all these years. Maybe, maybe not.

So for the past week I have been eating nothing but safe foods. Eggs, chicken, lots of veggies and fruit, popcorn, goat milk, cottage cheese. Even so it took me about five days to bounce back to normal. I hate soy with a passion now. I want to poke holes in every carton I see. I'll probably want to knock them out of the hand of every shopper about to put a carton of that foul tasting poison into their grocery cart. Don't drink that crap! I'll want to scream. Don't chew it, suck on it or lick it either!

Even though, to be reasonable, it was probably my propensity towards food allergies that made my reaction so strong. Then again, a friend of mine who is allergic to nothing, tried soy milk for a while and noticed it changed her previously like clockwork menstrual cycle. And since she works in a hospital, she had many, many other horror stories involving soy to tell me.

Anyway, on to my photographs of the week:

1. People looking at art in the De Young...
I love this elegant older lady...
I bet she lives in a large, beautiful house filled with original art.

From Glide, where I will be doing my community service...
Food I will no longer poison my body with (except on special occasions)...
Sunday plein air painting. Except, because I was still getting over my soy poisoning, I only had energy enough for doodling...
A bluebird about to eat whatever the hell it wants...
The shi shi rich versus them world of Sausalito, where I once made enough money as an unlicensed street artist to fund a summer backpacking all over Europe.

5 pm. Almost dinner time now. Hmmm, what will I have?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

More progress, more or less

Over a week already! Where have I been? Well, bad day in traffic court last Tuesday. The unbelievably unfair verdict I got kept me from getting a good night’s sleep for a number of nights. Honestly, community service plus traffic school plus a fine for failing to make a full stop on a right turn on adeserted street at 11:30 at night?! Even though I’m pretty sure I did since it’s a matter of habit. So, I suspect my city is trying to squeeze money (and free labor) out of its citizens wherever possible. The rest of the week I spent writing and sending out queries. Responses I’ve received so far are far more promising compared to the last round I sent out. So, crossing fingers and toes...

I also went out Friday and Saturday with new dodgeball and hiking friends (Pub crawl, middle of the night dinner at Mel’s Drive In, beach hike in Half Moon Bay). And it struck me, more than once, that I was in the process of making new circles of friends. Something I feel is necessary. And a lot of fun. But I did get a little, er...teary eyed about it. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Or maybe because I’d been feeling rather lonely. New friends, casual friends, old and very dear friends, sister friends, I have them all. But a girl needs a best girl friend. And, in the last three years I’ve lost two of them.

For a while I couldn’t help wondering if it was me. Maybe it was all my fault. I could have handled things differently, said something else, gave it one more try—what was it that doomed these relationships?

If I had to name one thing I’d say it was passive aggression. Or a fear of confrontation. I’m not the most talkative person in the world. I’m thoughtful and sometimes shy. But I’m also very up front. If I have an issue with someone I mention it, clear it up, then forget about it. Because otherwise it sits on my brain impeding my creative processes. But with these women, time and again I’d try to clear things up, things I felt deep in my gut were corroding the seams of our friendships, and I’d get an oh, no there’s nothing wrong, in response. Only to feel like I’ve been struck with a hammer by something they said or did not ten minutes later.

The thing with passive aggression is that it is extremely difficult to respond to. The passive aggressor gets to hit you with a hammer and not get blamed for it. I see my bf give me the evil eye over dinner because I won’t agree with her that yes, one should indeed be miserable if one is not as rich as Bill Gates. And when I mention this she says, No, I didn’t. Or I sense that my bf has a real issue with me concerning something and I ask her, Do you have an issue with me concering such and such? And she says, No, I don’t. Then, later on, I get an enraged email from her basically saying, Yes this was an issue for me and even though I wouldn’t admit that to you you should have known anyway.

Sigh...What can you do? But find new friends.

Though, it must be said that, through sheer determination, I have managed to stay friends with one of these women. But, it’s just not the same. I don’t feel safe confiding certain things to her anymore. Even though maybe, in time, I hope will again one day. Though am not holding my breath.

So, thank God for new friends, casual friends, old dear friends, sister friends, all my friends. Even ex friends. And future best girl friends.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

New Work, etc.

Some Photoshop work. One painterly...
The other comic booky

Ah, the magic that is Photoshop. I would hate to do all that inking with actual ink.

And these are couple of shorts created by one of my Academy friends, Niki Yang...

Brilliant, Nikki!!!

And thank you, thank you, thank you!! to everyone who commented on my last post. I read each of your comments with a deep sense of appreciation at both the therapeutic marvels of blog rambling and for all of you willing to read these ramblings. I meant to reply of course, but it's just been one of those weeks, the kind where words keep eluding me. I blame it on all the painting. With the visual part of my brain doing all the work, the language part just lies on the couch procrastinating.

On the other hand it has been a pretty good, pretty satisfying week. The sadness, the jeez WTF!! I felt over angry depressed friends's overblown yet not unexpected reaction, as well as my unresolved health issues gave way to relief (yes, life is too short for friends like that) and an oh well it'll all work out as life always does kind of mindset.

I am a hopeless optimist. But if you've been following my blog you probably already knew that. I believe things happen for a reason, that when you feel cornered it just means there's a door you haven't noticed yet, and that with all the personal upheavals I've experienced lately, some I've mentioned here, some I haven't, and my continuing career frustration can only mean one thing - that the best is yet to come. Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.