Wednesday, May 19, 2010

More progress, more or less

Over a week already! Where have I been? Well, bad day in traffic court last Tuesday. The unbelievably unfair verdict I got kept me from getting a good night’s sleep for a number of nights. Honestly, community service plus traffic school plus a fine for failing to make a full stop on a right turn on adeserted street at 11:30 at night?! Even though I’m pretty sure I did since it’s a matter of habit. So, I suspect my city is trying to squeeze money (and free labor) out of its citizens wherever possible. The rest of the week I spent writing and sending out queries. Responses I’ve received so far are far more promising compared to the last round I sent out. So, crossing fingers and toes...

I also went out Friday and Saturday with new dodgeball and hiking friends (Pub crawl, middle of the night dinner at Mel’s Drive In, beach hike in Half Moon Bay). And it struck me, more than once, that I was in the process of making new circles of friends. Something I feel is necessary. And a lot of fun. But I did get a little, er...teary eyed about it. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Or maybe because I’d been feeling rather lonely. New friends, casual friends, old and very dear friends, sister friends, I have them all. But a girl needs a best girl friend. And, in the last three years I’ve lost two of them.

For a while I couldn’t help wondering if it was me. Maybe it was all my fault. I could have handled things differently, said something else, gave it one more try—what was it that doomed these relationships?

If I had to name one thing I’d say it was passive aggression. Or a fear of confrontation. I’m not the most talkative person in the world. I’m thoughtful and sometimes shy. But I’m also very up front. If I have an issue with someone I mention it, clear it up, then forget about it. Because otherwise it sits on my brain impeding my creative processes. But with these women, time and again I’d try to clear things up, things I felt deep in my gut were corroding the seams of our friendships, and I’d get an oh, no there’s nothing wrong, in response. Only to feel like I’ve been struck with a hammer by something they said or did not ten minutes later.

The thing with passive aggression is that it is extremely difficult to respond to. The passive aggressor gets to hit you with a hammer and not get blamed for it. I see my bf give me the evil eye over dinner because I won’t agree with her that yes, one should indeed be miserable if one is not as rich as Bill Gates. And when I mention this she says, No, I didn’t. Or I sense that my bf has a real issue with me concerning something and I ask her, Do you have an issue with me concering such and such? And she says, No, I don’t. Then, later on, I get an enraged email from her basically saying, Yes this was an issue for me and even though I wouldn’t admit that to you you should have known anyway.

Sigh...What can you do? But find new friends.

Though, it must be said that, through sheer determination, I have managed to stay friends with one of these women. But, it’s just not the same. I don’t feel safe confiding certain things to her anymore. Even though maybe, in time, I hope will again one day. Though am not holding my breath.

So, thank God for new friends, casual friends, old dear friends, sister friends, all my friends. Even ex friends. And future best girl friends.


  1. Oh! I lived in Half Moon Bay for a while when I was a little kid. On Filbert Street. I even remember the phone number...silly, huh? But we moved to Oregon when I was 7, so it's been a really long time.

    And I know how you feel about friends. I don't have any really good girl friends myself, but I'd love to have a bestie. Unfortunately, I'm shy and don't get out much so it's tough to meet people. At least I've got my hubby and even though I love him, it's still not the same as a best girl friend. Oh well. Good thing I'm comfortable with alone time!

    And the traffic thing? Ugh. Sounds like you're being squeezed. I just got an unfavorable ruling on unemployment too - so unfair. Totally not my fault I was unemployed, but they sided with my former employer anyway.

    Anyway...good luck with friends, community service, and creativity!

  2. Friends are indeed a gift – but one that unfortunately must be “returned” or “exchanged” on occasion for the sake of our own peace and sanity. (Not an easy thing to do.)
    Wonderful news as to the responses to your queries – fingers and toes crossed here as well!
    (Sounds like more progress rather than less in your life…)

  3. glad you are doing the right thing and seeking out new friends. i need to do the same!!!!

  4. Hey Margaret, Half Moon Bay is gorgeous! I would really love to live there. Though all that fog might get depressing at times.

    Yeah, it can be hard meeting new people. I really have to force myself sometimes. Not easy but always worth it.

    Yeah! The traffic thing...oh well, wanted to do more volunteering.

  5. Hi Beth, yes, exchanged for ones who can communicate better hopefully. No more passive aggressives!!!

    Yes! I'm feeling really optimistic about that. I feel like all my hard work is about to pay off, knock on wood...

    Hi Drollgirl, Thanks! Will drink to new friends tonight ;)

  6. I do hope you find a new bestie soon... I wouldn't be able to do without mine... And even though everybody thinks we have known each other forever the truth is we met about a year and a half ago at a dinner party... we have been inseparable ever since...

    Have the best of weekends!!! XXX

  7. So good to hear you're continuing with the writing journey, and busy sending out queries. Exciting! As for friendships, just think of the amazing people you're going to meet. Visualize them, and they will come! ;-) Love & bright wishes, dear one, and thanks for your encouraging feedback on my story. You made my day! xx

  8. Hi Lena, I am being my own best friend for now! Though these 'breakups' have been painful, I think they're for the best. New people, new and way more positive relationships...are on the horizon...


    Hi Carol Anne, thanks! It's been really theraputic. I love drawing and painting but writing is where I make sense of things. And good advice, which reminds me, time to do some massive spring apartment cleaning...

    And your very welcome! I love your writing Carol Anne and can't wait to leaf through your first novel!!! xx

  9. Good luck with your inquiries!! I sure hope you find a good best friend.. you really can't win against the passive aggressives... insidious! Sounds like you are getting involved and doing fun things... the good people will find you.

  10. And don't forget to add to your list your blogger friend over here in Scotland! lol You have a busier social life than me!!!

    Fingers toes crossed re queries ...

    You are right to be suspicious re 'city squeezing money'. It's happening in GB too. 'They' think we are stupid, but 'they' have the power on their side. Don't take it personal it's due to the credit crunch. x

  11. Hey Shannon, yeah, here's hoping....!!!! Yeah, can't win against passive aggression. I think that's my new number one thing to look out for. It used to be a judgmental outlook and cynicism, but we all experience that now and then. But if you can't communicate effectively, it doesn't allow for a natural progression in a relationship. Which, when you think about it, is probably why some people, especially women, adapt passive aggressiveness as a way of coping. Whatever!!! Yeah, the good people will - and are - finding me.

    Hi Sharon, you're so right! Though I could say I meant blogger friends under new friends.

    Me too, fingers getting tired, but still have v. positive feeling about it all.

    Yes! V. suspicious! But, yes, not taking it personally. And am enjoying the community service part at least. And the fine really wasn't all that high. The worst part will be traffic school. Horrible...


  12. Good luck with everything. Even if it comes on the heels of losing old friends, making new ones is a tremendously rewarding experience.

  13. Thanks BB!!! Yeah, things are working out better and better...


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