Thursday, November 19, 2009

Nightmares and dreams

I've had nightmares every night this week. Can't remember Monday's but I did wake up with a start and had to take one of the anti panic pills the doctor gave me. Excellent stuff, I must say, but am trying hard not to rely too much on them. Tuesday woke up after a nightmare in which I'd been shoe shopping in this really nice boutique where I flirted like crazy with the cute sales guy. But as I was paying for my purchase and I was trying to work up the courage to give him my number, he suddenly seemed to lose interest in me because he'd seen that there was something physically wrong with me. Wondering what he'd seen I found myself in front of a mirror examining myself and I realized I'd lost a lot of hair on my left side (heart = left side = hmmm.). A neat row of it was just gone like it had been mowed off with sheers. Wednesday I woke up in a good enough mood to think I'd gone a night without a nightmare until later when the nightmare I'd had that morning popped back into my head while I was brushing my teeth.

I always have nightmares when I'm working through difficult issues. A few years ago, when I was on the verge of cutting things off with my brother, I dreamt I was flying through this black and white Sin City type place on my way out of there but before I could get away I had to find someone so I flew into a building, into this dark, dreary kitchen because someone in there needed my help. After an anxious search I found him and took him by the hand then lifted his sleeping or unconscious form into the air like he was a big sack of flour. Up and over the rooftops we flew while whoever it was we were escaping from slowly gained on us. And the closer this menacing figure came the heavier the man I carried seemed to be until his feet were nearly brushing the top of the street lamps and it took all my strength to keep him from hitting them which would have slowed us down even further. I remember getting so frustrated with him for not being able to help me, for his weighing me down and putting us even closer in harms way. Then I woke up.

Another time, when my father was still my number one least favorite person, I dreamt I was literally trying to escape from him by running through the horrible cookie cutter suburb we used to live in until I took off into the air and I was flying over a Pixar-like Irish landscape, a country so lush, vivid and breathtaking that everything else, all fear and hopelessness fell away, and what had started off as a nightmare had become one of the best dreams I ever had.

Last week my brother was the only person I told in person about my little heart troubles. He then told my mother who then told my sister who then told my dad (and an old friend who I was so glad to hear from) even though she'd sworn never to speak to him again. As soon as he heard he dropped everything and drove over to my place to see if I was alright. It really was heartwarming to see him so worried about me especially, I guess, considering how I spent most of my growing up years wishing he'd either disappear or die in order to spare us the misery that was his presence. Dad bought me groceries, took me to an excellent Japanese restaurant for lunch, then told me to drop my crappy health insurance for something better and not to worry about the cost cause he'll pay for it.

Tonight I'm hoping for more flying dreams, maybe one where I fly over to see the Northern Lights and because this is a dream I don't feel cold at all. Or maybe I'll fly over the Himalayas to see the Dalai Lama. Or both.

Later...
(Current work in progress. It'll be one of the illustrations in a book of illustrated short stories I'm currently working on.)

17 comments:

  1. Nightmares do tend to surface more when we're facing difficulties. It's amazing how real they can seem. Hope you manage to tune into those wonderful flying dreams! Thinking about you, Cheryl, and wishing you all that you wish for. Love Love. xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Carol Anne, appreciate it! One wish that is coming true, I am definitely going to Paris now!!! yay! xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. I had a similar dream to the flying one. Apparently you can actually learn to control those dreams. I have had a few lucid dreams in my life and they have been some of the best experiences of all. I was also feeling threatened but then realized that I was dreaming, so I started to fly. From then on it was just amazing, controling every aspect of the dream, letting all my barriers down. Wonderful. I hope you have more like it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You reminded me of a dream I had about ten years ago. I am herded on a bus with a bunch of people I don't know, (can't remember why), and we drive and drive, until it's dark and we are all asleep. The driver pulls in to a quaint motor inn and calls to us to wake up. As we are disembarking from the bus we all see the Northern Lights, a grand display to be sure. We are all oohing and awing, and then as we are standing there marveling at the color dance above the most amazing feeling of peace and love filled our hearts and we all fell in love with each other.

    That's one dream I never forgot. On the subject of nightmares, I have had some winners. You are doing the right thing, analyze what's going on in your life. Dreams can be helpful.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I like your recurring theme of flying - not only do those dreams seem to be telling you something, they also give you a sense of power, freedom and release. Something to work with...
    And isn't it wonderful how families join together - put aside their differences - when a member of the family is going through tough times?

    Sweet dreams!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Sophia, I've always wanted to be able to do that. I think I have once or twice but it felt like I was daydreaming while half asleep. Or maybe I was aware I was sleeping while having a lucid dream? So, not sure if I really did or not. But I read medidating on what you want to dream about before bed helps, so will keep trying.


    Hi Elizabeth, that sounds like one amazing dream. Maybe it was an actual glimpse into the true nature of things? Who knows what dreams are part of the mind clearing itself during the night and what dreams are actual visits to other realities? Thanks for sharing such a wonderful experience!

    Hi Beth, it has been really nice how supportive my family has been lately, when I've needed it most. I know they mean well, but usually it can feel like everyone for himself in this family. But I suppose every family is dysfunctional in one way or another. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so sorry about your nightmares. I had night terrors all through my childhood. I still occasionally get them. Hate them!

    Flying dreams can be about trying to get above a situation. They can also be about an inflation( getting to high above the ego and I certainly don't think that is what your flying is about). I hope you get to fly tonight and that you have sweet dreams.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  8. I used to dream I could fly but my family didn't want me to, and would grab my feet and pull me back down to earth.

    ReplyDelete
  9. i am so glad that your family is stepping up to check in on you and to help you in this tough time. i think you are going to be ok! hang in there. your recent dream might mean that you feel like damaged goods right now, but i think we are all damaged goods in one way or another. i don't say that to be cruel -- just we all have issues, and we are all raw and vulnerable and hate for them to be exposed to others. or maybe i am projecting!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I wish you a pleasant flying dream tonight. I've always wanted to see the Northern Lights!

    ReplyDelete
  11. A lot to learn here, about your nightmares, about how your dad, about you...! I admire your way of telling it all ... and also your drawing at the end! Please tell us about the book you are illustrating (or did I miss it?)

    ... and from the comments I learnt that your trip to Paris is decided! Wonderful! Sincerely hope that we can meet!

    ReplyDelete
  12. hi cheryl. thank you so much for the comment you left me.

    i am so glad that your scare did not turn into a nightmare. health issues can be so terrifying, and getting older is going to be tricky in some ways!

    thank you again, and i am trying to chill and keep things in perspective, and hope all will be ok. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi Cheryl, sorry to hear about your nightmares. Tis true that if you realise in the dream/nightmare you can start to control them. I used to have nasty nightmares about some bully-type men I worked with in the butchery trade many years ago. Now if they come up (rarely) I can just laugh at them and walk away in my dream - or fly away even better. I think I am due a nice lucid flying dream. :0)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Nightmares are so weird aren't they? The mind's way of dealing with the dark stuff of our lives I think. Here's to better dreams... good dreams... sweet dreams!

    ReplyDelete
  15. What vivid nightmares. I had one recently in which I was raped.

    I consistently have dreams where I can fly, but the ability is always somewhat limited. I'll lift off of the ground really well one time, then sputter if I try to repeat it, and only go so far. It's been that way for years, but the last few nights my flights have been unencumbered, completely within my control for the first time I can remember.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sending you love and prayers ..... xxx

    ReplyDelete
  17. I have given you an award on my blog. Hope you fly over and see it.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete

ALL ANONYMOUS, JUNK COMMENTS WITH BLOG OR WEB SITE LINKS ARE AUTOMATICALLY DELETED! No one, not even I, ever see them. So, please don't waste your time.

But comments from fellow artists, friends, and anyone genuinely interested in this blog and my work are always welcome though! :-)