Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Art (not mine) and other November things

I had the worst of all nightmares in a string of nightmares last week. My brother and I were sleeping in the same bed as if we were kids again. But that's not the bad part. My dad, feeling lonely and sorry for himself as he so often does, climbs in between us and holds me like he sometimes did when I was really little and still scared of the dark making me feel trapped and angry. Cut to, as if this were a movie, a nunnery under attack. And one young novice gets the bright idea of putting a big fish from the dining room table over her head to protect her from harm. Yes, a fish over the head is just what the manual says to do in just this kind of situation! So over her head the fish goes but the knight who reaches her first slashes her down anyway, fish and all. But, God knows why, somehow her clever fish trick works, though not in the way she had intended. Cut to the Mother Superior praising this dead nun for her quick thinking, and her sacrifice, which saved the rest of them from suffering the same fate. Cut to me again. My dad is now standing beside the bed, by the door, and I am relieved but also upset to see him spit on my brother, his saliva glowing in the dark.

In waking life this plays out as me playing go between for my brother and sister and our dad. Which is rewarded by my being the only one he treats with common decency. Which makes me feel good for having let go of childhood traumas and being able to have a somewhat peaceful and mature relationship with my father. Cut to my sister once again shutting him out of her life last week, just in time for Thanksgiving, and my dad turns on me with such contempt I feel like I have been spiritually attacked. Only to repent as he suddenly remembers I am a human being. Only to relapse the next time he loses patience. And so on. Making me feel what else but trapped and angry.

But, let's not think about that. Am not that kid anymore. No fish over the head panic attacks over annoying but passing occurrences like that. Breathe in. Breath out.

I am feeling way, way better this week. But have been reconsidering birthday trip to Paris, which is disappointing, but necessary. Talking things over with my sister she pointed out that what I was doing was looking for an escape, but Paris would be nothing more than a temporary one. The moment I come back I'd be in the same place I am now. Only without money. Much better to use money on some kind of brilliant career move like, literally, moving out of my puny apartment which I've been wanting to do for years. Or, as my brother advocates, upgrading to the latest super cool computer. Or... not sure yet.

Anyway, here's a few images from my November album...
three Doggie Diner heads. What were they doing there? I don't know.

Some artwork enhanced by natural light...

The Golden Gate Bridge...
and boats.

If Dashiell Hammett were around today he might look like this guy...

Kelly Reemsten's amazing artwork at the Caldwell Snyder Gallery...
Why didn't I think of that?!!!! Damn, she's good.

Buskers I should have tipped...
But didn't.


  1. A very very Christian dream -- the fish being one of the symbols of Christ. And, I suspect from weirdness in my own life that God always works in ways that are totally unexpected.

  2. I always have nightmares about the ocean and what lies beneath.. large, huge, whales and sharks... there are always killer whales - pods of them... I think those are things about my childhood and memories repressed! Aren't things so much larger when you are a kid?

    Anyway dreams are interesting and tell you quite a bit about what is going on in your world, listen to them.

    Paris sounds good to me but you know best. When I escaped to Seattle it sure felt good to just get the heck outta dodge... it was a much needed break.

    Take care of yourself - I love your photos! All the best to you - Shan

  3. I hate dreams like that. They seem to make no sense, but when you sit down and really pull them apart, and I find there is always some sort of message in there. Have you ever read The Dance of Anger? It really helped me with dealing with parents who hurt me as a child and how to deal with them that I was an adult. It was empowering actually.

    I loved your picture, they were great.

    I vote for Paris for your Birthday. What a great way to get away from it all, be reenergized and enjoy the city. I think you deserve that and more.
    Take care you of you!

  4. Intense dream but at least you have some understanding of it. Being stuck in the middle is an awful feeling - I hope your dad can retain that understanding and not put too much pressure on you.

    Paris...sigh. On the down side it still costs money, but on the up side winter is the off season... Oooh the tempation.

  5. For some time now, my mantra has been, "Breathe in, breathe out." Not always 100% successful but that little reminder does help!
    To give up a trip to Paris? Ouch. Weigh the pros and cons but do add to the pros the emotional & physical benefits of time away (an escape!) in such a beautiful city.

  6. first up, i am so glad you are feeling better!!

    and your dreams?!?!? HORRORS! you must be terrified to go to sleep! it is awful to have to be the mediator in a family. ugh. that role is for the birds, but i GUESS there are worse fates. ugh. family stuff is so hard!

    love the paintings!!!

    and, finally, thank you for your super sweet comment. health issues really are awful. you know!!! cheers to me and you and all the other cool folks being healthy and happy forever. or at least for many, many years to come.

    p.s. a trip to paris sounds fab to me. i'd love to run away to paris. for SURE!!!

  7. ... and I can only add and insist, don't cancel Paris!!! ... and in the meantime, dream about it; it would make nicer dreams!

  8. Great photos! You defintely have an eye for good lighting!

    Too bad about Paris. You have to do what you have to do. But, it could give your batteries a charge, so that might be worth the trip!

  9. Hello Cheryl, dear one. What strange nightmares and yet the symbolism behind each episode has meaning. Isn't it amazing how the sub-conscious mind works! Sorry to hear about Paris. Give it more thought before you make a final decision. Wishing you all that you wish for. Love & Hugs. xx

  10. There will be something triggering off the nightmares, something you will suddenly realise is happening in your life, and something you will know instinctively how to get rid of, if that is what you feel you need to do.

    The pictures are lovely, I like the lady with the chainsaw, reminds me of me when Amy was bullied last year!!


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