Kind words, Sweet thoughts, Good Times

Awards make me very happy. Last week I received this one from Elizabeth...

and I've been working on this post ever since, off and on. Sad to say it's taken me a while to come up with ten things that make me happy because of how I define it, i. e. as a general state. A lot of things give me pleasure and enjoyment but either I'm happy or not. And I am in general. But I do feel things deeply. I sometimes feel the feelings of others deeply. I can get lost in their emotions and mistake them for my own. And with the events this past week in Haiti, Massachusetts, the Supreme Court all against a backdrop of cold, constant and gloomy rain, these are some of the things I've been turning to lately in order to stay grounded and, in general, happy:

1. Writing/painting/drawing.

I don't know why I procrastinate some days. Artistic doubt maybe, which does serve a useful purpose. It keeps me from becoming complacent. But if I'm not careful this doubt becomes a runaway train robbing me of creative enjoyment. But whenever I'm working it feels completely right.

2. Connections.

I grew up in a family that thought judgement, shame and blame were the most useful tricks in the toolbox of life. So maybe it's no surprise that I end up with a few friendships that, at times, mirror this old dynamic. And how I react without making things worse has been part of my growing up process.

Never throw anyone away, Audey Hepburn once wrote. Well...sounds nice, but some people I really can do without, their absence a gift that just keeps on giving. The trick is discerning who I should let go off (i.e. happily drop) and who is worth the work. Because we all go through difficult times.

So last week I met with a certain friend, and another I haven't seen in a while, for coffee and dinner. I enjoyed it but I also found myself afraid to touch certain topics, things I would not have hesitated to bring up before. Oh well. Trust must be rebuilt one step at a time. And if we don't become as close as we once were, then at least I can be glad of the fact that I did what Audrey Hepburn would do, I didn't throw her away.

3. Reconnections.

Facebook is awesome. Since signing up I've reconnected with a lot of people I'd lost touch with over the years, grade school friends, people I used to work with and so on. The thing with grade school friends, though, is that it is impossible not to see the ghost of their little former selves superimposed over the adults they've become. Or to not hear their childish voices when they update their status. Strange too, not like I feel free enough to invite them, or myself, over for coffee. Still...in a childhood that was both happy and horrible (thanks to dear old dad), they made up a big chunk of the happy part. I'll always be grateful to them for that.

4. Artistic connections.

Writing and painting can be very isolating activities. And I love being around people. So I've joined as many writing and painting groups as I can. On line, there's Chiustream of course, whenever I want. Some drawing/painting groups that meet once a month. Every other week, there's the writing group that meets in a cute Noe Valley cafe for all day writing marathons. Then, once a week, I meet with a writer friend also for the sole purpose of writing. These groups not only keep me company but they also keep me motivated. Don't wanna sit there staring into space or watching The Office online when everyone else is typing/drawing/painting away.

5. Gifts/free things.

Of course I love Christmas and birthday gifts. But getting gifts during post gift giving season for no reason in particular? Like these side dishes Beecher's Handmade Cheese sent me...

last week for no other reason than having mentioned them in one of my Seattle posts! Wow, the power of the written word. Does this officially make me part of the media? When they contacted me I assumed they'd send me trial size versions, quarter cup servings just enough to make me want more. Not these enough for three meal sized boxes all including their amazing cheddar (am guessing it's cheddar though they simply refer to it as handmade). Christmas in January for an artist on a budget. Wonderful.

6. All the hot chocolate I want and/or a dessert every day.

Right now I have a bag of chocolate pieces in the fridge. And in the freezer, some frozen cookie dough, Toll House and Trader Joe's. And, after too many samplings of both, I have to say T.J.'s all natural chocolate chip cookie dough really is way better. (Think this'll get me some free T.J. cookie dough?). Thank goodness, because if I didn't, I'd have to brave the cold to go on a special dessert finding expedition.

7. Playing.

Shopping, goofing around with my nieces and nephews, running in the rain and splashing through all the puddles, dodgeball. I don't let myself play enough. Sunday I chose working with my writing group over a muddy, freezing game of dodgeball. I was glad to get some work done but afterwards I thought, gosh, I should have played dodgeball! So I made up for my uberseriousness with a few hours of bargain treasure shopping.

8. Live music/dancing/poetry and/or literary readings.

I went to this Rabbie Burns thing at the Edinburgh Castle on Saturday night because it sounded too good to miss (men in kilts, poetry, free food). It wasn't, unfortunately (too much ranting about current events which I was trying not to think about, not enough poetry) and if that's what haggis tastes like (very, very bland, though the haggis ceremony was pretty cool), not sure if I'll try it again. But I'm glad I went anyway.

9. Sleep. And 10. Having worked out

Because having had a good night's sleep or having worked out (in between or despite the rain), especially in the morning when I don't have to spend the rest of the day dreading a work out, ah, that's the best.

Now to pay it forward. The ten blogs I nominate for this award are:

1. Britt-Arnhild's House in the Woods

2. Shanster's Goats N More

3. The Battle of Essence Versus Existance

4. A Journey Into Fiction

5. Drollgirl

6. Where There Are No Chickadees

7. Yes No Maybe

8. La Belette Rouge

9. Maya Photography

10. Brightened Boy

and (I just have to sneak one more in)...

11. American Fool

MOMA's 75th Anniversary

The SF MOMA celebrated it's 75th anniversary last weekend with free admission and extra late hours, a chance I couldn't pass up.

Coming from a traditionally trained background, I don't love modern art but I am learning to open myself up to liking it more and more. And what better place to be on a rainy, Saturday night?

This sculpture is brilliant. I've seen it before, in DC, and it always strikes me as something really fragile, far too white and shiny, and, of course, weird. Just like it's subject is supposed to have been...

The sculpture on the right is just plain creepy. Really creepy.

This, to me, looks like an angel in the sky during a time of trouble...

According to the plaque, if I remember correctly, it's a volcano erupting.

And this looks like a bunch of people who watch too much tv news...

I can't explain this one at all. I feel no reaction to it whatsoever except to wonder what it's doing in a museum. Looks like something I'd find in a basement...

This Warhol I liked quite a lot. It was interesting to stand before this huge piece seeing how each little picture changes from one to the next...

Egon Schiele, one of my all time favorite artists...

This sculpture, I don't know if it was meant to or not, but it makes me laugh...

Part of Kara Walker's very affecting mural...

Gerhard Richter's interesting, but not so affecting, painting...

...? Makes me think of chocolate cake batter.

Nice, soothing colors and shapes...

Something (boring) made from lead, hence the barrier...

Another work I don't want to get too close to...

My interactions with modern art tend to be mainly cerebral, especially with the more inscrutable works like the four directly above. It's like a visual puzzle I want to figure out. But I much less seldom experience an emotional reaction, even after learning the theories and ideas which went into its creation. It's like jazz, hard to pin down and always surprising.

What do you think?

Hmmmm

What do you think? Maybe I'm all gothed out (only a week into the project! Must be having an artistic moment here) but I can't tell if these photos are successful or not.

Maybe colored photos work better for this particular model?

What's this? Actual expressions?

This image strikes me as most typical of the shoot. The perfect surface and yet so...

The thing is, with my first goth model, Ross, I didn't have to direct much to get him to emote. His intensity came out naturally. But with a professional model I found myself suggesting all sorts of things to get a reaction (do you know any poetry? Any songs? Any acting exercises? How about we shoot here. Or here? Can you show me an emotion? Anything? Okay, let's go for boredom and indifference again, etc.) and still getting lots of pretty (but uninteresting?) shots.

Actually, I realize I like these photos. Some of these might make excellent paintings. I just hope they're more than pretty pictures. And maybe I set myself up for disappointment by hoping for another Ross. It didn't help that my painting has gone from iffy to maybe I should just paint over it. And I'm sending out another portfolio to Blue Sky today, a place I've long dreamed of working for. And I got a parking ticket Wednesday. And I had dinner with new friends last night and one of them was not at all nice to me in the way that women who want to appear nice while not being nice can be. (i. e. jellyfish comment. But so what? The others were great. Why focus on the jellyfish?)

Gosh, I'm being so serious. My project! My career! I need a trip to Paris toute suite! Ex-ney tout les egativeness-nay. Relax. Blogging things out, I feel better already. You see, this is why I'm taking a break from certain people in my life. I'm feeling vulnerable, I want more emotional support (but am not getting it from them) and need to nurture my lighter side. Think will call one of my happy friends. Or my sister. And eat some (or a lot of) chocolate. And then I'll get back to work.

Goth walks into an ice cream parlor...

Spent the day painting and baking yesterday.

The goth project is going well. I finally sat down to look over photos from the second goth photo shoot - my double goth shoot - I took a while back. A lot of them came out better than expected. A few of them (maybe the one above? in color of course) will become paintings. My first goth painting is in that iffy stage. Will have to make corrections today. But since I haven't picked up my oils since July this is to be expected.

But the scones I made, if I do say so myself, were excellent! Top notch!

Moist, full of lemon and ginger flavor, mmm - so good!

Okay, I confess. It was a mix. But I didn't burn them, or get the water to mix ratio wrong. I did forget to put the oven at the right temperature, and I had to bake them at twice the usual time, but they didn't suffer for it, thank goodness

Tomorrow, I have hired a professional model to play goth for a few hours. An amazingly gorgeous one, I have to say. She reminds me of the French actress Isabelle Adjani. I would have preferred a genuine goth, but maybe a pretend goth will add another layer to this masks we wear/real selves etc. thing I'm exploring? We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

Beautiful new things

I fell in love with these shoes at first sight....

I wanted them. They had that artsy yet classic look I'm going for now. So the salesman needn't have said a word. But I let him go on anyway because I enjoyed his enthusiasm. He was so excited by these shoes!!! all designed by designer, Dan Sullivan! Only a hundred and fifty pairs exist of each shoe design! And only two boutiques in the world sell them! One here in New York! The other in London!!!

The toe part pinched somewhat, but a bit of breaking in, I told myself, should take care of it. Otherwise they seemed comfortable enough. And they were on sale. So I bought them. And didn't give them a proper trial run until this Saturday while running errands (all dressed up just for errands, I felt so Sex in the City!) but halfway to my car I began to wonder if I'd been fooled by desire. For one thing walking quickly was impossible. When I tried, I found myself holding my breath. Then one of the toes on my right foot began to feel numb.

How did I miss this? I wondered. Why did it feel so right then and yet is so obviously wrong now?

Because, you see, I've decided to chuck the mental junk no longer serving me. More gut impulses, less overthinking, less regret, more looking forward, less anxious effort, more going with the flow. So getting something as simple as the right pair of shoes wrong might, if I overthought it, send me into a spiral of self doubt. I could think, okay, this is why I grew into an overthinker in the first place. To save myself money and from disappointment. But I'm not going there. Some shoe inserts, a trip to the shoe repairer, and I'll be saying to myself, I knew it all along. These adorable, raspberry colored babies and I belong together.

One thing my gut has been telling me for awhile now is that I need a break from all the negative people in my life. That this is vital for me in order to move forward. But is also difficult when said people are close friends and family and have been, for the most part, the ones I socialize with the most. Even more difficult when I've already gone through a few breaks and relationship changes already. But I don't mean a complete break. Just a break for now, however long now turns out to be. And I don't mean negative as in they're awful people. I just mean, they're in a negative place at the moment and look, as a consequence, at the world this way while I need to look that way instead. They're in a different place than I am emotionally. And maybe this is a good thing, exactly what we need, a necessary phase for all of us to go through...each on our own...for a while then we can all come back together later on and talk about what we did while each of us were on our own and...maybe my urge to break away, my desire to run off to Paris or wherever is, in some part, a response to them.

So I went it sans usual company this weekend, and really liked it, because (thanks to meetup.com) I didn't feel alone. I had fun trying new things and going to new places. I went to the movies (Leap Year, predictable but fun), out for drinks and played dodgeball (whole lotta fun! can't wait to go again) with dozens of potential new friends. I even stayed home Saturday night to watch An American In Paris in my pajamas because it felt like the right thing to do.

But part of me can hear the worrywart voice warning me not to stray too far from familiar faces. Call them! Send them a text. So what if you end up feeling judged or blamed again? So what if they shoot eyeball daggers at you over the dinner table because you won't be dragged into that tired old argument? Who knows where this will lead? Everyone and everything I'm comfortable with right now could become another finished chapter in my past. And so I feel some sadness, some trepidation, but also a lot of enthusiasm and hope. I am ready for new things. I feel it down to the marrow of my being.

I'll let you know what happens.

Marry Me, Road Work Ahead

Two signs (in NYC) which go oh so well together...

A few photos I forgot to squeeze into my last post...

L. and I went to Bingo Night at the Bowery Poetry Club where we were happy to lose since winners, in one round, had to walk on stage naked. (The other prizes weren't so great either). But I was wild to win the last round (a pot of $220) but was one square short!!! I wanted to leave in a huff after that but L. got me to stay for an open mic which featured some pretty atrocious acts. Like this guy...

whose lyrics (I'm gonna sex you up! etc. etc. I'm gonna sex her up! etc. etc. I'm gonna sex him up! etc. etc.) I've (mostly) deleted from memory. The guy dancing on the left turned out to be a remarkably bad poet. And the guy sitting down turned out to be a dancer who did this outrageous, yet strangely endearing dance routine set to Mr Roboto by Styxx...

This wasn't the only night spot we went to. We went to a few bars and a dance club on New Years Eve where I'd hoped to live out some Carrie Bradshaw-esque fantasy, meeting my own Aiden or Mr Big over an expensive cocktail. But it was not to be. Places like this, for meeting significant others anyway, are perhaps no longer for me. Because of course the moment I stop looking, like while walking down a street in Greenwich Village or taking a rest while enjoying some music in Central Park, then boom!...In short, I should stop trying so hard and keep looking forward (my themes for the year).

More cute window displays...

Okay, pictures out of the way. I am back home still settling into things, which means sleeping a lot (9 to 11 hours a night) and not getting much done. Last year I might have worried over this. So much to get done, no time to waste! But this year I've decided to take things more in stride. I'm sleeping a lot and doing a lot of nothing because my body and mind need a rest. I haven't been writing because other art projects need attending to.

And, while resting, I have envisioned my next painting series. Something I hoped to find all last year, but nothing I came up with felt right. So I'm going with an impulse I, for some reason, kept pushing aside, a series based on the goth photos I took, with some new goth models I'm hiring mixed in. In the gallery exhibition of my dreams (in London or Paris of course) I have a collection of paintings and fine art photographs displayed, the paintings done in a realistic yet dreamy style, like Thomas Wilmer Dewing and Lucien Freud mixed together (at least in my mind's eye, who knows how it'll actually turn out). The purpose of the series is to explore the roles we play, the masks we show to others, yet how our real selves show through all the same.

Last year I might have hesitated and agonized more. Can't I think of anything more ground breaking than that? But this year, after the comfort of a tarot reading that promised success and a new move if I went with this impulse (I know, so much for not hesitating, but I just had to make sure) I'm going with it. I'm looking forward and getting to work. Starting today.

New York, New York!!!

(Note: to anyone who finds this page through Google images, I'm really curious to find out which image brought you here. And, if you want to use it for your own purposes, please be kind enough to tell me what those purposes are and, if possible, to give me credit as photographer. You can leave a comment here or email me at teyel@hotmail.com. Thanks!!!!)

Happy New Years everyone!!!

I am back from vacation. Recovering from vacation actually. Which of course means vacation photos and (because my brain is kinda mushy today) not too much commentary...

New York, needless to say, was super crowded.

and super freezing cold. (Grand Street, our home base in New York.)

Street art in Little Italy...

66 Perry Street, Greenwich Village, a.k.a. Carrie Bradshaw's place...

Wall Street...

The Met...

I've visited this museum a number of times and still haven't seen everything inside it. So I was determined to have a full day there on this visit - and still didn't see everything. Too many of the works demand more than a passing glance. These works I found especially moving or beautiful.

Central Park...

A cupcake truck!!!! Every neighborhood should have one...

Wish mine did. I'd have my cupcake money ready by the door, and every time I heard the telltale music of a passing cupcake truck I'd run out of my apartment and...O, cupcake truck! Where art thou?

Shopping...

The most amazing department store windows I've ever seen...

Fancy birthday lunch at L'Ecole...

The Jazz and Sketch workshop at the Society of Illustrator's Museum...

where I mingled with kindred spirits and enjoyed a glass of wine...

Times Square...

and the blasted ball we endured hours of drizzling cold for.

It was worth it.