Goth evolution

Hope and Doubt

I went to the New Living Expo on Saturday to get a psychic reading even though I wasn't sure I believed in them anymore considering how past readings that predicted I'd be married, with three kids and working for Lucas by now have obviously not come true. But I've been feeling an urgent need for guidance lately and thought a cheap reading couldn't hurt and might even be helpful.

I walked past booths selling special healing water, special healing clay, special healing jewelry -

"Hold it in your hand. You should feel some tingling."

I did as directed. I wanted to feel something---how neat would it be to heal emotional wounds and protect myself from negativity just by wearing something pretty!---but, I didn't feel a darned thing. And told her so. She didn't say, okay, disbeleiver, I am escaping the field of your negative energy now. But I imagined her thinking that as she walked away.

I also walked by people getting healed in various ways, a lot of them simply sitting in chairs while someone held their hands to their shoulders or chests. One blissful looking woman sat in a broom closet sized chamber which reminded me of a sauna, except it didn't heat up. The door was open and the woman wore a heavy jacket. The air or light inside, supposedly, was charged in some particular healing way. How the hell does that work? I wondered. Or does it work simply because the woman thinks it works?

Further down, a man sat with a string of copper wire thingies shaped into diamonds held against his chest as a woman stood before him dangling a singular diamond shaped thingy in small circular motions. Oh, come one! I thought. What bull.

After a while I wondered if anything there was real, the little devices promising to protect you from cell phone radiation, the crystals, the homeopathic, healing lotions, scents, and teas, the psychic claiming to channel a saint.

Speaking of psychics, anyone in a turban or the smallest whiff of barely scraping by as a psychic (aka: I will say anything you want because I really need your money) I walked right past. Otherwise, my only criteria was that the price be as low as possible. So when I happened across a pleasant looking young woman charging $20 per twenty minute reading, I thought, Well, she looks nice. She'll do.

But as I was signing up, she went on break, and I found myself paired with another, older woman. Is she a fake psychic brought to me by my negativity and doubt? Or, I wondered, is she the real deal I hoped for?

I wanted to tell her as little as possible, so when she asked for information, all I told her was that I was trying to decide between two options, with one feeling more like a move forward than the other. From this she went on to describe, perfectly, how I felt about x, how I was ready to do y and z, the circumstances surrounding my situation and how moving towards y and z will feel, in the meantime, like "walking on glass." But considering the alternative, here she described my energy leaks, the little pains here and there that I had begun to worry about but which were nothing more than my fear of speaking my truth and walking my own unique path. She even pointed to a particular pain I had been worrying about that very day, and as she cleared it energetically, I felt the discomfort completely disappear. Was what she did real? I don't know. But the discomfort is gone and the few times I've felt it start to return I tell it, oh no you don't. I ended up spending nearly an hour with her, fifty five well worth it bucks. Afterwards, I went for a long walk round the city, thinking about x, y and z...

I wish I could tell you more. But things are rather tricky at the moment. The psychic also mentioned how I was going through a grieving process. But one, I think, for more than just the loss of my father.

Well, that's it for now.

More travel sketches

Cafe Tortoni

El Federal

Clasica Y Moderna

Catedral Metropolitana

Cafe de Las Violetas

Bar Seddon

Here, but not here

Two weeks since Buenos Aires...

I know, I should have shared a few travel adventures by now, but I came back to two projects that needed my full attention and creativity. And getting back on California time, if you know what I mean, was even more difficult than adjusting to BsAs time (long, sad sigh...). Last week, for example, I was watching the Argentinian film El Secreto de Sus Ojos on my computer while finishing up a sketch I'd started in Buenos Aires, when a car outside backfired several times (a common sound down there where most vehicles seemed to be 10 ys old or older) and for a moment I was back in Buenos Aires...

Also, I am contemplating some changes. Big changes.

And, unfortunately (or fortunately---I'm not complaining!) I have to get back to work. But will post again soon.

Some bar in San Telmo -

Recoleta -
El Gato Negro -
A cozy little restaurant in Parlermo -
A tango music concert at 36 Billiards on Avenida de Mayo -
The Jardin Botanico Carlos Thuys -
Here's what I wrote in FB about it - While in the middle of this sketch, these two guys who'd been up all night partying came over to see what I was up to. One of them spoke English so we ended up discussing what the figures were expressing for almost an hour (joy, gratitude, drunkeness, etc...) even though, I have to admit, I was thinking I don't really care what the statues are expressing I just want to finish my drawing. Then again, after days of only the most rudimentary of exchanges with people, it was great to be discussing art for a change. Not to mention the one who spoke English was just about the most beautiful man I'd ever seen. He asked for my email, then gave me his, told me the bar where he worked at and asked me to come by. But he was, as he put it, 'so f---ed up' from partying that I wondered if he'd even remember me if I did come by. So I didn't...I know, horrible story!

Bar Britanico, San Telmo -
A monument in front of the Belles Artes Museo -
Check out that tiny door!! What is it for? Would have so loved to walk through that -
Todo Mundo on Plaza Dorrego -
Somewhere in BsAs, forget where. I was lost at the time -
La Poesa -
El Ateneo Grand Splendid on Avenida Sante Fe -
Yes, this is a book store and the cafe sits right on the stage!!!

Took tons of photos. Too many to post here, so here's the FB link to my BsAs albums

1. The city

2. Street Art

3. Night Life

4. Churches, etc.

Flying solo

I'm off to Buenos Aires today for the next three weeks. (Not looking forward to the flight, I have to say. I leave here at one pm and don't get to BA til the next day.) The last time I traveled outside of the country was back in 05, to Beijing, and I've been yearning for another international adventure ever since. But of course with the economy and my iffy work situation I've learned to play it safe.

Then my mother tells me my sister is coming back for a two week visit. And I start to panic. I won't go into details so let's just say I'm not eager for even a two week replay of my sister's visit this past fall.

So I start looking for travel deals. Where to go? I've always wanted to spend a month in Rome. Or the Italian countryside. Or Paris! And the French countryside. Where could I spend as much time painting and playing the tourist that my budget would allow? After looking at nearly every possibility, then thinking how much more comfortable I'd be just staying home...if only countdown to sister wasn't happening, then looking again, and realizing, with deep and utter frustration just how indecisive I can be. Anyway, long story short, I end up choosing Buenos Aires, the Paris of the south.

And, funny thing, as soon as I did, I stopped being mad at my sister. We will probably never be close again, but, so what? Moving on...

The thing with my family is that everyone thinks they know what's best for me, and they will get me to do whatever it is if it's the last thing they ever do. Because they care so much about me. And it's this!---this emotional manipulation I get from them that exhausts and enrages me so much. I hate them. I love them. I want to run away from them.

Unfortunately, since I'll be gone for three weeks there was no way to not tell my mother that I'll be gone. And she did not take it well. Oh. My. God. Why did I choose Buenos Aires? Don't I know how dangerous it is? And you're so small. Now I'll have to pray for you all the time. And I won't sleep a single second until you get back. Blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth.

But anywhere can be dangerous if you don't practice precautions. In London, where I was staying with family, I fell prey to one of those stupid ATM scams. Luckily that particular card was tapped out. Moreover, the worst thing that ever happened to me, getting attacked and nearly raped on my way home very late one night, happened right here in San Francisco. I still walk around there. Though, never in that neighborhood.

Still, her fear got to me. I felt guilty for causing her so much worry. I second guessed my choices. And I went overboard on the research.

But, the more I found out about Buenos Aires, the more excited I became about actually going there. It is scary to go to a new place all by yourself. I don't speak the language. I don't know the customs. And I especially don't know about eating dinner at bedtime and dancing when I'm usually asleep. But I'm going anyway. I feel good about that. And, at least through the wonders of the internet, I know three or four people there, so to cyberspeak. And the apartment I've rented (super cheap!) will have wi-fi so I can assure my mother I am still alive at least once a day. (And post here and on FB too! Though maybe not every day.)

My mother didn't give up though. She came by my place tonight to warn me of thieves who break into rooms. Then she texted me some other warning when she got home. Then she called, just to make sure I'd gotten that last warning and to tell me yet another one. By then I was pretty ticked off and cut the conversation short with only the slightest twinge of guilt afterwards.

Sigh...I don't know what'll happen down there but I trust that I can handle it and I trust that I've made the right decision to go.

Okay, gotta finish packing. Hello Buenos Aires!!!!!!

Marching right along

...because I posted this minutes before March 1.

Anyway, being a stubbornly optimistic kind of person, I have entered yet another contest. This time a movie poster competition for a film about a fur crazy fashion designer who gets kidnapped by animal rights activists. I want to win real bad. But, after seeing which image won in the last contest I entered (it sucked. It really did. And I know I'm putting that into internet space for all to see, but it really did suck) I won't take it personally if I don't. This illustration, which I put a tremendous amount of effort into, will look good in my portfolio, at least. That said, please look here, and vote for me!!! It'll make me feel better (and appreciate you all the more!!) even if I don't win. Though I really hope I do.

A contest and some new work

I've been entering every contest I can lately and one of them is a Talenthouse contest whose theme is love. Winner gets to photograph the rock group Maroon 5 during their US tour. S0 please!---please!!---please!!!---click here and vote for me :)

Some new work -

Above, my newest Etsy sketch. Below, a sketch I did in Golden Gate Park.

One of the character sketches I did recently for Dragon Pencil. This character isn't going to go anywhere but hopefully one of my other designs will.

After a week or so of doing nothing but characters, I felt the need for a landscape painting -

Happy Friday!!!